A Farmer's promise of Spring

I was sleeping but woke up because something didn't feel right. My lungs felt heavy, everything seemed so much darker and colder... "why can't I breathe?" I laid there half asleep for a couple difficult breathes doing nothing about it...with the same lack of energy and spirit of these days. "Is this a dream? It must be a dream..like everything else, like the past 3 weeks, it is ALL just a bad dream." I had lost so many things and abilities these days...I felt myself giving up. "May I give up? I'd like to close my eyes and give up. I will just sleep it away" I closed my eyes and heard the wheezing labor of every breathe evaporate in the silence and darkness of this long night. No idea if an hour passed or a just a minute passed like this...I suddenly felt a very heavy pressure on my lunhs and found myself fighting for air. This time, it was not a dream....I really am losing my ability to breathe!

Major asthma attack. Jade, get your ass up or else soon enough you won't fucking have one. I struggled out of bed. I wanted to call out for help, but I didn't have enough air to speak. I silently searched the house for an inhaler with a clock ticking the passing seconds in my head. None. No Inhaler, no meds... Omg help, getting dizzy...Panic...but all this doesn't do shit for me does it? I had to do SOMETHING! I stopped rummaging through useless cabinets and sat down with a cup of hot water and collected myself. "Can I do this? Can I beat this?...Yes. I can do this. I HAVE to beat this." I found my center, and inhaled slowly from point zero. I didn't get very far but it was ok...anything was something. I exhaled slowly back to Zero...then inhaled again even more slowly. Need to take Time to allow Time to buy more Time. I calmly fought for every millimeter of room of oxygen I could find for my lungs. "I WILL. I CAN do this!" as I fought inch by inch. Never has an extra millisecond of air gained been so precious. Never has every second of Time been so treasured.

The worst was over, and I now lay here slowly recovering, staring into this night with a tear here and there as I think of the things and person I have lost these few days.When things look dark and everything goes wrong, those you reach for have their back turned or are asleep...and you feel like giving up, YOU CAN'T! Sure, you can cry, panick, whatever you need to do...but then Breathe! Get up! Fight! As long as your heart still pumps, you must get up and fight for every bit of air in your lungs because if you don't...who the hell will?!! ...and you know what, you CAN and you WILL!!!

God consantly throws us curve balls and banana peels on our paths. some banana peels we can escape...but some...just make us fall left right then back to the hard ground. Sometimes, the fall is so painful for our rear, we don't want to get up. Sometimes...its just too painful to get up. But I must. You must. We must. Why? Because the view of these banana peels when we stand up on our feet is just so much better than when we lie down defeated. No seriously... because if we don't, our dreams and hopes, all good things and all blessing will pass us by. And if you lay here for a day, for a month and do nothing different, you will be laying there tomorrow, next month, next year, a lifetime.

A quote came to mind. Call it God, or Heaven, Fate...whatever it is, it is bigger than us: "When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems He has faith in your abilities." The sun will rise at the end of the night. So step it up, get up, breathe and push forward. Because if this doesn't happen, there is no end to any famine, no Spring after Winter... and Spring WILL come, bearing its fruits...if we farmers prepare, plant, water, and harvest from the seeds in our hands. If we farmer let the seeds sit on a table, or let them rot in soil with no water or sunlight...what will there be left for us? Even when Spring is set to come, the winter in ourselves will prevent Heaven's Spring from coming! So believe in youself. Get up, stand up, cherish, and fight for every seed, every drop of water, every ray of sunlight, and every ounce of air in you.

I know there are those struggling and having a difficult time. We are all and always fighting our own battles all at the same time.  So to those struggling, to you, to myself... let's put up the fight of the century...for everything that matters and is important.

In the dark of tonight, I smile behind my silent tears. Life may be difficult, and difficult for many out there...but the sun will rise in 2 hours here...and along with it...will be me. I cannot promise when Spring will come for you or for myself... but I can promise that if we plant the seeds at the time they must be planted... Spring will come, sooner or later...bigger and better.

Jia yo!